You’re out on a lovely walk, noting the beauty of the day. Your dog poops. A responsible owner, you reach for your baggie, but before you begin your descent towards your dog’s latest poop art piece, a kindly stranger asks you for directions to a nearby store.
The sun shines, birds chirp and your dog (whom you’ve been home with all day) goes into an attention-starved panic, as you take 30 seconds to point your neighbor in the right direction. You feel the wild tug of a mad dog at the end of the leash and before you can yell a slow motion “Nooooooo,” your dog takes a leap into the pile of poop he seems to forgotten he left there only moments ago. Poop-tastrophe.
You stand there in shame, glad that the stranger was far enough away to not witness the Poop-ocalypse that just occurred. And then like any good pet parent, you move into action.
What to Dog If Your Dog Steps in Poop: A Semi-Practical and Full Humor Guide to Your Very Own Poop-ageddon
1.Stay calm. Your first instinct will likely be to panic. Panic will only drive you and your dog into making more bad choices.
2. Pick up the poop. While you might want to run from the scene. Pick up the poop! Not only will your community thank you, but you will thank me if your crafty dog manages to step in the un-picked up poop, yet again, as you make your escape.
3. Look for nearby grass. Hopefully this occurred on grass, but if not not, walk your dog to the nearest grass. Nature’s doormat will at least help pull off the majority of the poop that ended up on their feet. If your dog is somehow covered-in poop. This step will only prolong the inevitable confrontation with your poop-covered dog, proceed to the next step.
4. Call for reinforcements. Not always possible, but if you can get an extra set of hands in there, don’t hesitate to invite company to your misery.
5. If you have access to a hose sing Hallelujah here. Hose down your dog and his poopy parts to the best of your ability.
6. If like me, you were forced to skip the last two steps, feel free to cry here. Keep it brief, your work is not yet done.
7. Go to your happy place, as you pick up your dog and try not to think about the poop you may be touching as you carry him to the nearest bathtub/sink.
8. Marvel at how the poop that was only on your dogs ____ (insert body part here), that you specifically avoided, managed to get on your hands.
9. Make mental note to disinfect everything the poop touches and things you have now imagined it has touched.
10. Be a magician. Put your dog in the bathtub, take off your poop-covered clothes and gather up your supplies while managing to keep your dog in the tub.
11. Bathe your dog. Realize 2 minutes into the bath that you have rubber gloves that you can not leave your now wet dog to get.
12. Touch the poop. Lather your hands with as much dog shampoo as possible and touch the parts of your dog you have rinsed, but can’t deny are still covered in poop.
13. Feel like a horrible person when your dog screams at you for washing his poop-covered foot with too much gusto.
14. Explain to your dog how much you clearly love him even though he obviously is not in a mood of appreciation.
15. Dry your dog.
16. Remind your dog to never do this again.
17. Disinfect everything. EVERYTHING.
18. Write an article about your experience so that others will know that they are not alone.
19. Pat yourself on the back for skillfully managing the Great Poop Disaster of 2015.
20. Make a New Year’s resolution to have a poop free 2016.
21. Realize you have cleaned you dog, your house and your clothes, but not yourself.
Good luck out there. May the poop be forever in your favor.