Another year draws to a close, and we humans look forward to a new one; we often use the occasion to reflect on the past and think about the future. It’s when we make those annual promises to ourselves, otherwise known as New Year’s resolutions, that we conveniently forget about by the time the President’s Day sales are over.
While our pets’ concept of time may be a bit different than ours — “You’ve been gone forever, at least 2 ½ minutes” — I’m pretty sure they make New Year’s resolutions, too. Only I think they stick to them a lot longer than we do.
Do any of the resolutions below look like ones your cat or dog will make?
1. I’ll stop and smell the flowers.
And then I’ll pee on them.
2. I will dance like nobody’s watching
Even if the cat is right there.
3. I will stay on top of paperwork.
And make sure to shred everything before I toss it.
4. I will go places I’ve always wanted to go.
And remember to pack lightly.
5. I will make it to the top.
Without a safety net.
6. I will make new friends, even if they’re a little different.
And I’ll be patient if they seem a little cold at first.
7. I will eat healthy and stay hydrated.
By drinking artisanal water, drop by drop.
8. I won’t let anyone — not even the cat — stand in the way of my dreams.
Even though she sometimes has sharp and pointy edges.
9. I’ll make sure to get enough sleep.
And I promise not to hog the blankets.
10. I will find new ways to show my loved ones I care.
And not expect anything in return.
11. I will finally master chess.
And I promise I won’t knock all the pieces off the chessboard if I lose.
12. I’ll take up yoga.
I’m already pretty good at downward facing dog.
13. I will find true love, and get swept away.
We’ll chase dust bunnies together.
14. I’ll make time to read some of the classics.
Is “50 Shades of Gray” about cat fur?
15. I will try to be more in tune with my family.
Even though usually I wag to the beat of a different drummer.
16. My smart phone will not rule me this year.
Wait… did someone just text me?
17. I’ll get together with old friends.
And we’ll reminisce about how we all used to cram into that one dude’s car.
18. I’ll help more around the house.
Even though I hate making the bed.
19. Even when things seem impossible, I will not give up hope.
Someday, I’ll get that squirrel.