My Cat Book Proposals

Peter Gerstenzang, CatChannel?s humor columnist, shares his next works of genius.

The field is getting awfully crowded with cat books these days. And that’s just the field behind my house. Last night, I counted 40 books back there! And this morning, I realized I missed Cats for Dummies, Dummies for Cats (teach your pet to be a ventriloquist) and Blues Guitar for Cats (your cat can start his own out-of-control, angst-filled musical career). Then, I got to thinking: Maybe it’s time I wrote a book for cats. Here are some proposals for future bestsellers. But first, I have to clean up the field behind my house — again …

Cat Photography
Anyone can write a book that teaches you how to take pictures of your cat, but how about one that teaches cats to take pictures?

This book proposal will guide cats through procedures such as, “Stepping on the shutter button,” “How to adjust the self-timer with your nose,” “Lighting and framing” and “How to get an agent.”

Soon your cat will have a retrospective at a major gallery. Your cat will hang out with supermodel Giselle Bundchen while you wait in the car, fuming. Your cat’s successful new life will be dealt with in my sequel: How to Cope When Your Cat’s Life Is Better Than Yours.

Color Me Beautiful For Cats
How many times have you put a collar on your cat that doesn’t bring out her eyes? Or put the wrong-colored leash on her?

This book proposal will help you figure out if your cat is a Winter or a Spring and how to match her collars and leashes accordingly. Of course, this begs the question: “How is it you know so much about color schemes for cats, Peter?” No comment …

Zen for Cats 
A recent poll showed that 63 percent of American cats currently are experiencing a spiritual crisis. (Side note: The poll was conducted by Fox News that claimed the cats actually told them this, but I’m going to take it and run with it anyway.)

Chapters for this book proposal would include: “Drop That Mouse — It Could Be Sacred!” “Why the Best Yoga Positions Are Named After Dogs and How To Stop That Crap” and “Napping and Meditation — How Different Are They, Really?”

Great Cats Throughout History 
Ever wonder why there are always dogs hanging out at important historical moments? For example, General Patton’s Terrier during WWII?

This book proposal will redress the balance. In it, cats are there at the creation of fire (of course, they’re prehistoric cats, so they weigh 2,000 pounds and breathe fire), they help to build the railroads and are present when Neville Chamberlain signs The Munich Agreement with Adolph Hitler. In this last one, a British cat looks at these proceedings and shakes his head as if to say, “You’re gonna be sorry. That Hitler is a whack job!” Clearly, cats can turn the tide of history.

Ah yes, my book proposals are true gems. In fact, my phone should start ringing here any minute …

Back to The Cool Cat by CatChanel humor columnist Peter Gerstenzang.

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Cats · Lifestyle