10 Ways People Are Not Like Cats

Not swatting at others, passing on bug snacks and skipping the chance to be in a confined space -- here are some top ways we differ from cats.

In my last Top 10, I wrote about the ways some of my behaviors are like those of my cats. This week, I take a gander at the opposite side of the cat tree and count down the top 10 ways I’m NOT like a cat.

10. I don’t swat others
Cats swat other cats, as well as us humans. Sometimes I walk by Cosmo and feel his paw slap me – startling, for sure. I know he’s just playing, but I’m like, “Dude, what gives?” I don’t make a habit of slapping anyone. This is a good thing.

9. I only wash my hair a few times a week
Cats are obsessive when it comes to cleaning themselves. I find my hair is way more cooperative if I don’t wash it every day. I’m sure my cats think I’m filthy.

8. I don’t like the heat

Warm weather makes me cranky, and I don’t like to sweat. On the other hand, my cats are little heat magnets. When Cosmo lies in the sun for a while, his black fur is sometimes too hot to touch, but I pet him anyway. Nobody wants to touch me when I’m gross and sweaty.

7. I don’t kill bugs

I’m one of those people who scoops up bugs and rehomes them outdoors.  I sometimes wonder what they think: They’re just hanging out in the bathroom, everything goes black, and then they’re sitting on the front porch. My cats rehome bugs in their bellies. The life of an insect must be so confusing.

6. I don’t eat food I find on the floor

My cats have no trouble chowing bits and pieces of floor food. In fact, they act like they’ve found some serious treasure. I’m all about the five-second rule; however, I don’t snap up toast crumbs from yesterday’s breakfast.

5. I enjoy soaking in a tub

One day I’d love to have a giant tub – you know, the kind that allows full extension of one’s limbs. For now, I relax in my regular-sized bathtub, which works. Cosmo doesn’t care about the size of my tub – he can’t help his obsession with my bath time. In one of his not-so-finest moments, he slipped and fell inside my tub water. A fan of water, he is not.

4. I follow instructions
My cats – and cats, in general – are not especially fond of following directions, unless it has something to do with food. I usually follow instructions, and don’t stare at people when they request something of me. Like cats, I am highly motivated by food-related instructions.

3. I have a pretty strong gag reflex
Some cats are known to fall asleep with their noses wedged inside warm, sweaty shoes. I can guarantee I’d not do that sort of thing. I’m also not interested in rolling around on top of anything dead.

2. I like entertainment while using the facilities
I admit it: I enjoy reading or playing a little Words with Friends while visiting the loo. Don’t pretend like you don’t do the same thing. My cats don’t require any kind of distraction – in fact, they stare straight ahead with the concentration of a Zen master. Zen Master Poo would be a great rapper name, right?

And the No. 1 way I’m NOT like a cat is … drumroll, please!

1. I’m claustrophobic
Cats are known for their love of tight spaces, and enjoy nothing more than squeezing themselves into the tiniest of boxes or spending hours underneath a bed. I’m highly claustophobic and don’t even like sitting in the middle of a row at the movies. I can’t see myself curled up under a bed for an entire afternoon. Plus, that’d be kind of weird.

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